


3% chance

by SymphonySoldierXIII



Category: Santa Clarita Diet (TV)
Genre: Eric is a dork with no scientific way to fix this, M/M, canon typical mentions of grossness and swearing, genderbent abby, if there's zombies why not other magic, just another excuse for me to be gay on main, takes place mid season 2, temporary spell I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 12:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14112345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymphonySoldierXIII/pseuds/SymphonySoldierXIII
Summary: Dinner at Japopo's goes wrong again and Abby ends up going through a different, faster kind of puberty thanshehe had bargained for.





	3% chance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Persephone (DragonNip)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonNip/gifts), [WarriorAngel4God](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarriorAngel4God/gifts).



> Alriiight I finally finished this haha "finished" sorry I'm tired  
> If you don't know, certified dumb ass Kyler symphonysoldierxiii posted this halfway thru writing cause he's on mobile and pressed the post without preview button by accident but it's DONE so. Enjoy

"What the fuck," Abby said. It was an average Monday morning in her completely average, totally not zombie-ridden, upper-middle class Santa Clarita life, and her feet were poking out from under her bedsheets. But that was nothing compared to the...  _other thing_ also poking up from under the blanket. "Well, _that's_  certainly not normal."

Then again, nothing going on in her life was really normal. So, she swung her slightly-too-long legs and apparent penis out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to get ready for school as usual. But then it got unusual. Because she had a bit too much hair on her face for it to be a usual morning. Guess she would miss first period. And maybe second. Second period was just because she really didn't like second period. The teacher sucked ass. Just like whatever the fuck was going on with her legs, face, and genitals.

"Motherfucker." Great, and her voice. Her voice was bordering on low and scratchy. But mr wonderful author, you say, isn't that how her voice usually is in the mornings? Yeah, but you clicked on this fic knowing full well what you were getting into. Her voice was no longer positively identifiable as female.

Her morning routine was set severely off-course today. She couldn't just run into her parents' bathroom to use her dad's electric razor. She could still hear the hair dryer running – plus, the last time she was in there, she found her best friend's step-dad's dead body, ironically a murder not committed by her undead mom. The decision to conserve energy and just use the razor previously reserved for legs (a razor she rarely used to begin with) was cemented when she took a quick sniff of her armpits and gagged. When you go through puberty overnight, she supposed, you don't end up smelling very good.

One very odd shower and a couple nicks on the face later, Abby was facing more and more changes every minute. When she went to dress, she spent a minute staring at her chest (or lack thereof) under the bra she was trying to hook. As she threw the bra back into the drawer and slipped on the shirt with the highest neckline she could find, she muttered, "Well, that was a freebie."  ~~arrested development reference anyone?~~

Her jeans ended halfway up her calves, and sagged at the hips. None of her shoes fit, not even the pair she assumed Eric had left behind one day. The boy had weirdly small feet. Guess she'd be raiding her dad's closet after all, something she never planned on doing.

"Bye Mom, bye Dad!" She yelled, and as her voice rang out against the walls, she was glad that the only person home was Gary's head. And he was in a cupboard in the basement with a sock in his mouth. She wouldn't exactly consider him a credible source, even if he had heard her well enough to tell her parents.

* * *

School that day was certainly an experience. She got there halfway through second period and kept her mouth shut as much as possible, only nodding to friends across the hallway. As soon as the lunch bell rang, she made a beeline straight for the bathroom, only stopping to grab Eric's arm to bring him along.

"Abby? What the fuck are you doing– why are we in the men's bathroom? I mean, I know why I'd be in here, but why are you here? Why are you taller than usual? Why–"

"God, Eric, just shut up!" Abby growled, staring into the mirror and running her hands along the sides of her face. Great, all that work that morning had been for nothing. By dinner, she'd have a beard like fucking Santa Claus.

"Woah, Abby, your voice–"

"Yeah, I'm fully fucking aware of what I sound like. But why is this happening? Come on, you're the science nerd, fix me!" Second puberty was treating Abby's emotions no better than the first one had. Tears were already welling in her eyes, threatening to pour down a face she wasn't sure she recognized anymore.

"Wow, uh, alright, uh. Wow. Let's... When did this start?"

"This morning, last night, I don't know!"

"Alright, uh, okay, are your parents home?"

"No, they're out doing some shit all day. Being realators, murderers, both, who cares?"

"Well, I care, cause we need a workspace and I don't think a kitchen where my normal human mom could walk in at any time is a very good spot to figure out why you're... changing."

"For fucks' sake, Eric, I have a penis!"

"That was information I did not... actually, that might be important. Let's go."

* * *

 "So, the only unusual thing you've done lately was... dinner at Japopo's?" Eric had a small flashlight out, looking at Abby's eyes as she sat on one of the kitchen island stools.

"Yeah, and I guess I shoulda known better since the clams killed my mom."

"And brought her back," he pointed out.

"Is that really important right now?"

"Maybe," he shrugged, pocketing the flashlight that undoubtedly wasn't meant for eye exams.

"God, my face fucking itches so bad," Abby complained, scratching at her chin. "I ripped the seam of my jeans just trying to fit this fucking dick in, and on top of that it's been aching all goddamn day!"

"Well, the first thing is just how it is. The second thing, I'm pretty sure my mom has an emergency sewing kit, and you can borrow my jeans until this gets sorted out. The third thing, uh. Hm. I don't know if that's something I can really help you with– and your pants are gone."

"It's not my fault they don't fit right. Fucking Japopo's," Abby muttered, messing with the seam of her underwear, which were definitely not suited for her current situation.

"Yep. Those bastards," Eric supported, trying his absolute best not to be turned on by this. Why was he turned on by this? His best friend was going through a crisis, and he was focused on the fact that maybe he enjoyed the concept of guys wearing panties. But Abby wasn't a guy, right? Or maybe it was time to reconsider that? He coughed, clearing his throat and his head. "Maybe for now we should, uh. Come up with a different name for you?"

"Why the fuck would I need that? Wait, no, I just heard my own voice. Yeah, let's do it."

"Alright, something close to Abigail... Ab..... Abbott? Abraham?"

"God, no."

"Abdirahman? Abacus?"

"What are you, a walking name dictionary? No, none of this works. Let's just stick with Abby. Or... Gale, like that guy from the hunger games, that way if this isn't reversible I can use that name at school!"

"Yeah, that should... work. Gale. I like yo- that. That. Good name, good choice."

"Thanks?"

"Uh. Yeah. So, anything else I should know... about? For the possible cure."

"Well, uh, there's something."

"Yeah?"

"My... penis, I guess. It's... wow, I don't know how to say this without being weirdly sexual."

"I have one of those too," Eric coughed, in a failed attempt to mask his secret, so-far-in-the-closet-he-passed-Narnia bisexuality. "It, uh, doesn't have to be a sexual topic."

"If you say so, buddy." ~~She~~ he sighed. "I, uh. Don't really know how to say this but there's no other way so I'm just gonna jump in. This dumb fucking penis is always horny and I don't know how to fix that."

"You. What?"

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I'm not a virgin, just so you know, I've had sex. It was just... with a girl. Look, we were playing truth or dare at Sarah's place one time, and some douchebag thought it would be hot to see two girls go at it. Joke's on him, though, cause I'm bi, and... yeah. I just came out to you while I have a rock-hard penis."

"Oh. Me too, I guess. I mean about being bi! I'm... I'm bi, too. Bi-sex-u-al. That's me."

"Cool."

Awkward silence. The inevitable. Especially after my bi ass just made both characters bi. And we're still basking in the discomfort, just a couple moments more...

Eric got off his seat, and with his hand on the island, pushed himself forward and kissed his best friend. He wasn't sure what to think of the fact that he was doing this now, when Abby had a dick, but hey, sometimes you need weird circumstances to get shit done that should've been done weeks ago. That's why I always wait till something crazy happens to start my homework.

"What are you..." Abby asked halfheartedly, eyes lidded and hands resting on the back of the stool. "I thought you were still hung up on Ramona.."

"Fuck Ramona. She's in Seattle, or whatever, and we broke up. She was, uh, a man-eating zombie who kept her weird red ball as a pet anyway. God, please don't make me keep talking about her."

"I'm literally not doing that at all, but okay. I have no problem forgetting she exists at all. Or..." He really had no idea what was happening with his weird new body, but he liked what it seemed to be doing to Eric, so he continued with whatever the fuck he was saying. "I could make you forget about her." At the sight of Eric blinking rapidly, which Abby then realized may be the start of a panic attack, he added, "I have no idea what the fuck I'm saying or doing. I've never dealt with a penis before and this one certainly seems to enjoy whatever we're doing right now and if you wouldn't mind it, in the name of, like, science or whatever, we could go to my room and finish this somewhere that isn't the kitchen island that I'm almost 100% sure my parents have had sex on before."

"Alright, yes, hell yes. Science. Away from places your parents have probably had sex. Which would have to be, like, almost everywhere in this house, so. Your room it is."

The trip up the stairs could've been romantic, with holding hands or kissing but instead it was a little bit awkward. Abby wasn't adjusted to the new proportions, and Eric was... well, Eric. This was gonna be an adventure, considering both of them had only had sex with people with vaginas before. And both of them currently had penises.

But you know what? Things that were meant to be end up working out. Somehow. They sat down on Abby's unmade bed, Eric trying to smooth out the covers and Abby pushing his hand away, distracting him by intertwining their hands and using his free hand to tilt Eric's chin up, and at the force used, Eric felt himself start to squirm, and it was at this moment that he realized the connection between everyone he'd ever crushed on. They were all very... dominant. Recently, girl-Abby had said she liked Eric as a badass. But, as it turns out, Eric was not cut out to be a badass, and when boy-Abby's biceps flexed, even if just briefly as he moved Eric how he wanted, it was some real good shit.

"Hey, Abby? Can I... you... do that. But more."

"Can I what now?"

"The thing you did with your hand just now."

"You mean, when I very lightly tilted your chin upward because I'm taller than you now?"

"Yes. Please do that again. For science."

"You want me to keep tilting your chin."

"No, I mean, like... doing stuff. Forcefully."

"Listen, I know you're supposed to be the smart one here, but as the one who evidently knows more about sex, I think I know what you want."

"Y-yeah?"

"Wow, you're basically a virgin, aren't you. Did Ramona just lay there? Did you even have sex with her?"

"I really don't want to think about Ramona the zombie from rite aid right now, if that's okay with you."

"Yep, you're- that's perfect. You're talking about wanting me to dominate."

"Hm, yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying." Eric's voice squeaked at the end, a thing that should've happened with Abby's voice, considering the second puberty and all, but, then again, we _are_ talking about Eric.

"So, you're saying you want me to do things like this..." Abby kissed him, taking his bottom lip into his mouth and running a hand down his chest. His own hand, not just a random hand, something that needs to be clarified considering the show we're talking about. "And this?" He proceeded to grip Eric by his hips, flipping him on top and helping him move to straddle his hips, a very unusual thing for Abby, but a thing that apparently intrigued Eric, who just nodded vigorously.

Without need for words, the two moved together, Abby helping to get Eric's shirt off even though it broke the kiss. Seeing how desperate he was to get that close again, Abby smirked, placing a hand on his chest. He stood from the bed, peeling his own shirt off and tossing it somewhere he'd probably never find it again, soon followed by the belt he ~~stole~~ _borrowed_ from Joel. A couple movements more and the two were lying together once more (and not in the way they usually lied, this time it's a term for "trying very hard not to move their hips too much and fulfill the stereotype of teenagers dry humping" instead of telling dumb, barely-believable stories to their parents), especially since Abby hadn't been wearing pants since the kitchen scene, a fact all of us, including me, likely forgot. Abby briefly remembered the fact that the pants were downstairs, and his parents did, in fact, live in this house as well, and could at any time arrive home and find a discarded pair of jeans right beside both boys' school bags. But, alas, he was a horny teenager, making out with his best friend and really breaking expectations with the estimated 3% chance that they'd ever get together, so he didn't give a shit.

Striking blue eyes met sea green in a moment much like the eye of a storm, and it was perhaps at this time that the two simultaneously realized that they'd gone just far enough to fuck up any chance at going back to being regular friends. Evidently, it was more than just "perhaps", because in almost fated unison they said "fuck being just friends," and with the words still hanging in the air, their lips met again, and this time neither planned on letting go.

A couple minutes into shoving their tongues down each other's throats and some very heavy hip grinding, Eric said, very loudly, "Oh, fuck." Abby swallowed most of the volume into a kiss but the words still rang out against the walls, halting their rhythm.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"...Baby?"

"I was trying something, ignore me."

"Well, uh, the entire reason we're doing this... wasn't this because you complained about your, uh..."

"Eric, our dicks are almost touching through two unfortunate layers of fabric. You're allowed to say penis."

"Wow, yeah, you're right. Okay, uh, you said your... penis has been.... _erect_  all day, and–"

"For fuck's sake, Eric, yeah, it's been rock fucking hard for the last twelve hours, and I gotta say, you're kinda killing it here!" Abby heard his own words for once, then continued, "That was a little rude for me to say to someone who accepted instantly that I ingested some sex-altering magic at Japopo's last night. Sorry."

"I– uh, it's okay. Thanks, though." Abby nodded, and he continued. "The point of this was to get that to go away, right? So, shouldn't I... do something to help...?"

"You already are, but if you mean, like, sucking me off, then I'm not about to complain."

"Alrighty, then, here goes nothing. Or everything."

"Wait, no, I feel bad about not doing anything for you, I– holy _fuck_. Oh m– Jesus, fuck that's good. Wow."

I cannot stress enough how much Abby hadn't realized he needed this. Or how surprised Eric was that he didn't suck at this. Pun fully intended.

Abby had spent maybe... what, two minutes, staring in confusion at his dick that morning. Right now, he was thoroughly convinced Eric had been doing this his whole life on a penis that had only existed for sixteen hours, max. He was in fucking heaven right about now, and was spouting all kinds of shit like "fuck, you're so good" "god, never stop" and some sappy shit I would get personally sniped by Abby Hammond if I ever put in writing.

"Shit, Eric, I'm gonna come, I, uh, fuck!" Yeah, that's how Abby's first real climax went. Then he proceeded to restrain himself from making a Michael Scott-style comment and just kinda stared at Eric after realizing he swallowed.

"Salty," Eric said, using one of their discarded shirts to wipe his mouth of a mix of cum and saliva. With a burst of confidence, maybe due to Abby's shellshocked expression, he joined him laying on the bed again and kissed him. At the taste of himself on Eric's lips, Abby felt Some Shit happening again, and this time refused to let the other boy take care of it himself.

"Boxers off, we're doing this together," Abby directed, hands resting on top of a confused Eric's and curving down his sides to rest on his hips.

"Wait, what?"

"You heard me. Now shut up and kiss me like our lives depend on it."

This is where they pass right by the stereotype of teenagers dry-humping and go straight (or gay, I guess) into some real soft, romantic shit. Eric reached toward Abby's face and Abby reached for their cocks, already slick with pre-come that really made it more pleasurable to  rub them together. Lips locked deep in a kiss, chest to chest, catching each other's deepest sounds and secrets, they had _just_ reached their ends, and then–

"Abby, we're home!"

"Fuck," Abby/Gale Hammond said, with his sheets marked white, tongue down best friend/neighbor Eric's throat, and his favorite jeans abandoned downstairs with his _parents_.

**Author's Note:**

> I might continue this? Make an actual, not just PWP story out of it? Whomstdve knows I mean personally I'm in love with the three people who commented on this so far so maybe I will even if it's just for them


End file.
